Tools for Forgiveness
In recovery we have a phrase, “let go or be dragged.” Basically, holding on to anger and resentment will keep you stuck and stagnant until you… let go. It seems obvious, but to many it is not. We think that holding grudges keeps us safe, superior, or shows others just how wrong they’ve been. But the only person it punishes is you.
"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath" - Eckhart Tolle
Have you ever found yourself in a conflict that you're unable to move on from? You just keep stewing in the situation, day after day, having fake conversations in your head with the person who "wronged" you.
Ask yourself, what is making it hard for you to forgive this person, yourself, or the situation? What is the true underlying block? What are you afraid will happen if you forgive them — that they will think the indiscretion is OK? That they will do it again?
Remember that resentment is only self-punishing and can lead to behaviors such as isolating, drinking, binge-eating, anger..etc. Believe me, I've been there.
You've probably heard that when it comes to emotions, the only way is through. You can't get over a resentment by ignoring it. You can't forgive someone by disassociating from the situation.
Journaling, or writing a letter you never send, is a good tool for freeing the emotions (energy in motion) that are tying you down from truly forgiving.
Think about your resentment, or the situation you find yourself stuck in, and finish these sentences:
I am angry that...
I am hurt that...
I am sad that...
I am disappointed that...
I am afraid that....
I appreciate you for....
I am willing to consider forgiving you for...
Once you have honestly written down all of your feelings, see if you feel a shift in your perspective. Has your resentment turned to understanding, acceptance, or empathy?
Try doing a ceremony where you burn your letter, and give the situation over to God, or your higher power. Perhaps hold the letter, light a candle, and say a prayer for the willingness to forgive and move forward.
Occasionally, it is suggested that you pray for those you have anger towards every night for two weeks. Pray for their happiness and their success. While it sounds counter-intuitive, you will begin to feel a sense of freedom.
"If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?" - Rumi
So when it comes to your anger, it is time to let it go. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is not permission to do it again. But forgiveness is permission to let yourself move forward, all the while collecting data, gaining insight, learning lessons, and growing from situations that may have caused you hurt.
Try one of these exercises, and let me know how it goes. And if you’re interested in life coaching for forgiveness, schedule a session!